I cannot find my penis.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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