we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
