My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
