I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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