I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
