What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
