THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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