Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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