Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
