Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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