My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
