I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I will be naked everywhere
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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