She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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