Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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