I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
