hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
