I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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