why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
