my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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