Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
