I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
