Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
