Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
