you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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