One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
