my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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