my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
