420 ftw
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
