So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
