I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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