i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
