i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
