Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
