Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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