Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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