I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
