Do you still have your period?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
