She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
