You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm too high and old for this...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
