why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
