If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
