There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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