There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
