I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
