I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
