I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Randomize