i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
