oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
