I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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