My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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